The Academy Awards take place this weekend. It’s Hollywood’s biggest night and it might be yours, too, if you go to a good Oscars party. If you do wrangle an invite, make sure to avoid any of the following people, who typically show up at an Oscars bash.

The woman who loves ‘Titanic’

People who survived the legendary boat’s sinking didn’t have as tough a time moving on as this woman does from the fact the 1997 movie’s moment in the sun is over. This woman constantly brings up how romantic the love story was, how sad the ending was and how Leonardo DiCaprio failing to pick up a best actor nomination was the biggest disgrace in Hollywood since ‘Ishtar.’ And don’t even get her started on how much she loves Kate Winslet.

The woman who thinks she’s Joan Rivers

Yup, this woman is convinced she’s on E!’s ‘Fashion Police.’ She always has to give her opinion on what so-and-so is wearing and make some sort of snide remark, like she’s testing out material to use at her next open mic night. We get it — Bjork looked weird in her swan dress. That reference is over a decade old.

The gossip

A one-person TMZ, this annoying partygoer is the Lisa Turtle of the party. When Jennifer Aniston walks out onto the stage to present an award, the gossip immediately feels the need to remind everyone about her well-known romantic history and usually punctuates it with a dated reference like, “I still can’t believe she couldn’t make it work with Vince Vaughn. They seemed so good together.” She needs to jump in the time machine she shares with the ‘Titanic’ fan and push 2012.

The dude

Generally speaking, Oscar parties are not the most masculine of events, but chances are there’s at least one guy there. And somehow he’s great friends with every woman in attendance. They all love him – like a brother – yet no one knows why he’s been single since his tragic fourth grade breakup. What no one seems to realize is he’s been harboring a crush on one of the women there since the ‘80s, but he’s gotten so far into the “friend zone” that it would take a team of EMS rescue workers to dig him out.

The person who has to get up early the next morning

Why this person came to the party remains as big a mystery as why exactly he or she has to get up early. It’s a matter shrouded in secrecy because you can’t get a straight answer when you ask why they have to be up early. He or she feels compelled to tell everyone that they have a 3 am flight the next morning, claiming it’s “for work” and “I guess I’ll just sleep on the plane.” Next time, don’t go to an Oscar party, buddy. The show is never under three hours.

The woman who is always surprised

No matter the winner, this person is stunned, as if the academy is pulling some sort of joke. When Natalie Portman won best actress for ‘Black Swan,’ she was in a state of disbelief matched only by the test audience for any non-animated Eddie Murphy movie, even though Portman was considered the frontrunner. This person is also the type to be caught off-guard when Meryl Streep picks up her annual nomination for whatever movie required her to wear a wig and adopt a British accent this year. “Doesn’t Meryl already have enough nominations?,” the surprised woman bellows, to anyone within earshot.

The person who hasn’t seen a movie in a really, really long time

The Oscars are not the best event to play catch up. If the last Academy Award-winning film you saw was ‘Out of Africa,’ then you’re probably not the ideal person to attend an Oscars bash. This person usually says things like, “I haven’t seen ‘American Beauty’ yet, but it’s in my Netflix queue” or “I had ‘The Departed’ in my Netflix queue, but it never got shipped to me” or “Someone hacked into my Netflix account just before I was supposed to get ‘Gangs of New York.’” Maybe the moral is you shouldn’t have a Netflix account.

The ‘Movie buff’

You know this snob. Midway through the evening, this self-proclaimed connoisseur starts talking about how great the cinematography in ‘The Artist’ was. Here’s a little-known fact: no one cares about the cinematography. The cinematographer barely cares about the cinematography. So when this person starts blabbing on about how ‘Hugo’ is an homage to the work of French surrealist filmmaker George Méliès, make sure you have a blunt object at the ready to hurl in their general direction.