The Search Is On For The Best Or Cheesiest Joke Of All-Time
Jeremy is searching for the best joke, or cheesiest joke ever. He got some feedback while on location, and some great phone calls. Add your joke to the comments section below, and we will start voting next week. Here’s what we have so far:
Where does a pirate get his morning cup of Joe? Arrrrrbucks!
Where did the one-legged waitress work? IHOP!
What happened when the two antennas got married? Well, the ceremony was kinda boring, but the reception was great!
A cop asked a guy, “Did you kill this man?” He replied, “No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, lead comes from the ground, and the ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes, case closed!”
What did one snowman say to the other one? “Do you smell carrots?”
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it!
Who says beer makes you stupid? It made Bud wiser!
What did the elephant say when it was pulled out of a pit by the Balls? Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Ball!
An old man goes to the barbershop for a shave. He tells the barber, “My cheeks are so sunken in that I can’t get a good shave, can you help me out?” The barber gives him a ball from a cup and says, “Put this in your mouth against your cheeks to puff ’em out, and I can give you a good shave.” So he does. After the shave, the old man said, “Gee, that’s a good shave, I haven’t had one like this in years! By the way, what would have happened if I had swallowed that ball?” The barber replied, “Oh, that’s okay! You can bring it back in two days like everyone else does!”
What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
20 years ago, we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die!
My Mexican friend asked me, “What do Mexicans cut their pizza with?” I asked, “What?” He said, “Little Caesars!”
When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s cute. I just think it’s crazy how many people bring knives on a date!
Why are so many Italian men named Tony? Because when they came over from Italy, they stamped “TO N.Y.” on their foreheads.
Say “Do I smell popcorn?” right after you fart, just so everyone takes a big whiff!
A teacher says, “Whoever answers my next question can go home now.” One boy throws his bag out the window. The teacher yells, “Who just threw that?” The boy replies, “Me! I’m going home now!”
A husband is watching a video and begins to yell at the screen. “Don’t do it! I swear you’ll regret it for the rest of your life! You stupid idiot! Don’t say yes! No! No! NOOOOO!!!” His wife hearing him from the other room asks, “Honey, why are you so mad? What are you watching?” He replies, “Our wedding video.”
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat? If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat!
Where does virgin wool come from? Ugly sheep!
Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container? It said concentrate!
What has teeth, but doesn’t bite? A comb!
What does a theoretical physicist drink beer from? An Einstein!
If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are built upside down!
A guy goes to a psychiatrist really down. He said, “I feel like a dog.” The psychiatrist asked, “How long have you had this problem?” The man answered, “Ever since I was a puppy!”
A pirate walks into the bar with a steering wheel coming out of the fly of his pants. The bartender asks, “what’s with the steering wheel?” The pirate says, “arrrrr it’s driving me nuts!”
Did you know Cinderella wasn’t a very good basketball player? She ran from the ball and had a pumpkin for a coach!!
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
UPDATE (6/15/15): This list keeps growing, here are some more submissions:
A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Two cannibals are eating a clown when one says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
A man wakes up in a hospital after a serious accident and screams, “Doctor! Doctor! I Can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t. I’ve cut your arms off!”
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One says to the other, “Dam!”
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot all the time which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He ate very little which made him frail, and with his odd diet he always had bad breath. This made him (ready for this?) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Again, submit your joke in the comments section below, and we will start voting for the best or cheesiest joke of all time this week!